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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25231072">Vessel of Bonds</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/azurrys/pseuds/azurrys'>azurrys</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Granblue Fantasy (Video Game)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Blood, Hiding Symptoms, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nightmares, Noa's Empathic Connection to the Grandcypher, Primal Beast Pacts</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 02:53:23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>10,680</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25231072</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/azurrys/pseuds/azurrys</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Noa hadn't anticipated that forming the pact would leave such a mark on him, let alone the other side effects that had only manifested after the fact.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Noa/Rackam (Granblue Fantasy)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>51</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Little Black Dress Exchange 2020</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Vessel of Bonds</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/shadowsapiens/gifts">shadowsapiens</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Heads up that the fic contains spoilers for SR Noa's fate episodes! It can be read without any knowledge of them, but the skill fate and 5* uncap provide some additional context and background. It also references a specific event in Paradise Lost, but there are no specific spoilers and no knowledge of the event is required.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>A journey to Golonzo is long overdue. The crew hasn't been by in a long time — not since they got the Grandcypher up and flying again with Mithra's power and Noa's blessing. The ship has racked up its fair share of battle scars since, from hastily-repaired holes in the hull to make-do engine part replacements. Rackam has an ever-growing inventory list of repairs to take care of, but he's sure that Noa has thought of something he's forgotten.</p><p>If he can find him, at least.</p><p>On most days, when Rackam sets out to search for him, Noa appears before he can even start hunting. Rackam had asked about it once, and all he'd received in reply was light laughter. He's still not sure how Noa manages it. He suspects the Grandcypher itself has a hand in that. But today is an unexpected exception — Rackam has almost covered an entire deck and asked every passing crew member he came across, but nobody has seen Noa.</p><p>If Rackam hadn't happened to catch the flash of white out of the corner of his eye, he may have missed him altogether. Noa is perched on one of the high rafters close to the ceiling, bordering the row of windows that open up to the skies. It's a spot that no human could reasonably reach. Craning his head upwards, Rackam squints against the sunlight. He can just barely make out Noa's form curled up by the wall, his head resting on one knee while the other leg dangles over the edge, staring out at the sky with half-closed eyes.</p><p>"Noa?"</p><p>Rackam's voice comes out a little more hesitant than he meant, interrupted by a misplaced thought. He's never been able to sneak up on Noa before. Noa has an uncanny ability to know when Rackam's approaching, to the point where Rackam has gotten used to Noa turning and smiling at him when he's still halfway across the room. But Noa doesn't react this time; doesn't even turn his head, as if he hasn't heard at all.</p><p>Against the harsh sunlight, Noa somehow looks paler than usual. Delicate, even, although Rackam knows he's anything but. The scene should be peaceful — is peaceful — but despite that, Rackam falters.</p><p>Something's off.</p><p>"Noa!" He raises his voice, and this time Noa swivels his head around to look at him. He thinks he sees a flash of surprise cross Noa's eyes; had Noa really not noticed him? It's gone before he can dwell on it, though, leaving him to wonder if he imagined it.</p><p>"Hello, Rackam." The greeting is light and gentle, and Noa's eyes curve into crescent moons with his smile. The distance between him and the ground is bone-breaking, but like a feather floating to the ground, Noa lands gracefully on his feet. Rackam adjusts his sights to look down to meet Noa's eyes, rather than up, and not for the first time he's struck by how much smaller Noa is than him.</p><p>"You looked a lot taller when I was a kid." For some reason, those are the first words that slip out, but Noa doesn't seem surprised. He laughs in reply, the movement making his hair fall forward to shade his eyes.</p><p>"I've been told that most things look much larger to children. I suppose I was no exception." Noa tilts his head upwards again to meet Rackam's gaze. "Were you looking for me, Rackam?"</p><p>Right. He had been. "Yeah, I was…" Rackam trails off, his mind once again bringing up the image of that faraway look in Noa's eyes. Maybe Noa had just been distracted, but something about it nags at Rackam. "Never mind that, though. Noa, you okay?"</p><p>Noa's answer is immediate and natural. "I'm fine, Rackam. Is something wrong? You look distracted."</p><p>Noa just turned it back on him, didn't he? How does he manage to do that? Rackam scratches his cheek, eyes darting off to the side. "No… not really. You just don't…"</p><p>When he stops to think about it, though, Noa doesn't exactly look unwell. So he hadn't noticed Rackam coming up to him… which isn't grounds for anything, is it? There isn't any rule that he'll always notice little things like that. (Even if he always had, before.)</p><p>"Yeah, it's nothing."</p><p>Rackam's not sure if he believes the words himself, but he says them anyway. Noa stares at him for a long moment, as if sensing the insincerity, but he doesn't comment if he notices. "If you don't need me, Rackam, I'll be going on my way." He pats Rackam's arm, the touch soft and light. "I'll see you later."</p><p>"Sure," Rackam answers without thinking. Noa is halfway across the deck before Rackam remembers that he was looking for him for a reason — to talk about the ship's repairs — but by then, it's too awkward to call him back.</p><p>Like a pale ghost, Noa's silhouette is a mere shade as he slips away between the pillars. Illuminated by the sunbeams shining through the aft window, his back looks slim and fragile, as if he might fade away into the light.</p><p>Rackam knows it could just be him; his own paranoia, or his mind playing tricks on him. After all, Noa is a primal beast. Resilient, powerful. Nothing seems to be wrong on the surface. It's just a nagging feeling.</p><p>He hopes it's just him.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Noa startles awake with a jolt, breath catching in his throat and stopping up his voice. He's soaked in sweat, his fingers twisted in his shirt where the phantom pain of his dream resonates. Despite the warm reassurance of the Grandcypher's presence in the back of his mind, it takes him a long time to catch his breath, slowly letting his hand fall from his chest.</p><p>"I'm alright," he whispers to the Grandcypher, although his voice shakes in a way that makes the words fall flat. He wouldn't have sounded convincing speaking to another person, let alone the Grandcypher, who's privy to his thoughts and feelings through their pact. But although it doesn't hurt anymore, the memory still jams up his throat.</p><p>Every time he thinks he's able to shelve the memory, it surges up to bother him again. The day he formed the pact… Noa draws a deep, trembling breath, drawing his knees up to his chest.</p><p>He wishes he could forget how much it hurt.</p><p>The low buzz at the back of his mind is simultaneously a reassurance and a gentle nudge. The Grandcypher, as always, is urging him to seek out company. Noa sighs, shaking his head. The Grandcypher may not have eyes to see him with, but the motion is enough to convey his intent. The reply Noa gets is the same gesture, if not through the same channel — but the Grandcypher doesn't need a head to shake. Even without one, it manages to express just how wrong it feels his choice of isolation is.</p><p>Noa hadn't thought through the effects of pacting with his own creation. In his defence, he'd hardly had the time to weigh the decision back when he'd made it. Still, the point remains that he had expected little more from the pact than what usually came of a primal beast pacting with an island or another being, but it's clear now that he'd been ill-prepared for its implications.</p><p>It isn't all bad. Most of it he doesn't mind very much, or even likes. The Grandcypher no longer needs to tell him anything now. He simply <em>knows</em>. He understands how the Grandcypher feels, what it wants to convey. It's intimate in a way that Noa hadn't expected, which is a sweet surprise. He revels in their deepened connection and the Grandcypher responds with its own brand of care in turn.</p><p>He just hadn't anticipated that forming the pact would leave such a mark on him, let alone the other side effects that had only manifested after the fact.</p><p>The floorboards beneath him let out a creak that sounds almost worried when he stands, only to stumble — he barely catches himself against the wall in time. Noa draws a deep, shaky breath, eyes falling shut against the ensuing rush of dizziness. The sails that the Grandcypher had lost in the last skirmish haven't mattered too much in the grand scheme of things, but their loss has dealt a blow to his own balance that's been surprisingly difficult to ignore. It's silly; the Grandcypher is steady now, its flight path smooth and unobstructed, and there's no physical turbulence that would even hint at its broken sails. It hasn't been difficult for him to steady the ship and keep it balanced in the currents' grip. It's even easier now that Rackam has made adjustments to make up for it, meticulous as always when it comes to flying the Grandcypher.</p><p>And yet, despite all that, Noa feels unsteady — rather like he's lost part of his inner ear and can't find his balance until it's replaced. He wonders if he'll ever get used to this part of the connection, the part that reflects the damage to the Grandcypher onto his body.</p><p>"Don't worry," he murmurs, feeling the gentle hum of concern in his mind. "I'm alright. But thank you."</p><p>He says the words, but they both know them to be hollow reassurances. He's sure he feels a touch of disapproval alongside the usual concern, and he deserves it, really. He's so dizzy that for a second he wonders if the floorboards are moving beneath him, which isn't only impossible, but something the Grandcypher would never do to him even if it was.</p><p>It's difficult, forcing himself to focus through it to make the subtle adjustments to the functioning sails to compensate, but Noa can feel the Grandcypher doing its best to cooperate with him. When his vision finally begins to settle, Noa lets out a breath he hadn't even realised he was holding. The moment of peace is a tentative one. He keeps expecting the world to start tilting around him again, but for the moment, he feels a little better.</p><p>He's glad he at least had the foresight to come here. It's rare for anyone, even the members of the crew in charge of maintenance, to check on the boilers outside the typical routine unless there's something wrong with them. Noa knows for a fact that nothing is. He's been coming here more and more in recent weeks, knowing it to be one of the places where he can be sure to be alone. He doesn't want anyone to see him like this.</p><p>The Grandcypher doesn't like the arrangement. It never has. It worries for Noa in a way that's rather sweet, and in the absence of its own ability to provide him with physical comfort, it's always trying to urge Noa to seek out someone else. Not in so many words, of course, but Noa can understand its will, and the Grandcypher makes it clear that it doesn't want Noa to be alone. Noa suspects — no, he's sure that since he pacted with the Grandcypher, it's gained more of a will. There's no other explanation. It always had feelings before, but not so much… agency. Or independent thought. If Noa's mind wasn't still reeling from the nightmare, trying to ignore the images that rose up, it would have been a fascinating question to consider.</p><p>But instead, he just feels exhausted.</p><p>The Grandcypher nudges at his mind again, and it urges him towards a painfully familiar place that still makes him recoil. He gets a hint of apology in reply, but the Grandcypher is determined. It wants him in the engine room — where Rackam is.</p><p>"No, it's fine. There's no need to bother him."</p><p>There's actually an audible and frustrated creak in reply to that. Noa hears the reprimand blared into his mind, and if he wasn't still feeling shaky, he might have laughed. But instead, all he can muster up the energy for is a quiet protest. "The crew doesn't have to know. There's nothing they can do, and I don't want them to worry."</p><p>The words bring to mind the frown on Rackam's face. Noa isn't sure if Rackam has noticed anything wrong. He had seemed suspicious, and although Noa feels that he's managed to deflect the worst of it, he can't help but wonder if Rackam can tell. He doesn't think he looks outwardly ill. None of his ailments are visible, and when he senses that he may be in for a bad spell, he always makes sure to be alone. He doesn't sleep in the presence of others, in case a nightmare strikes. He's not sure what Rackam is picking up on, what he's not managing to hide…</p><p>Dwelling on it just makes his head spin, and he's dizzy enough already.</p><p>Noa sinks back to the ground with a sigh, supporting himself on his staff to ease his way. Even so, the movement still sends the world swirling behind his closed eyelids. Although the air shouldn't be any colder than usual, he can't help but feel that it is. Suppressing a shiver, he wraps his arms around himself in a futile attempt to ward off the cold.</p><p>The Grandcypher's distress at how its damage manifests in his body is evident in his mind, but there's little he can do to reassure it. In the end, Noa settles for laying a hand on the wall, as close as he can get to patting the ship without actually doing so. "I really am alright," he says again, although he doesn't open his eyes. "But if you could…?"</p><p>He hasn't asked the question out loud before the Grandcypher answers him, bringing a smile to his face. He knows that nobody will be coming by this part of the ship, but it's a reassurance nonetheless to know that they won't be able to come across him, even by accident. The Grandcypher will keep the doors mysteriously jammed for as long as it takes for Noa to reorient himself.</p><p>He strokes his hand down the wall's surface, belatedly noticing that the air is a little warmer than usual. The Grandcypher must have ramped up the heat. It's still within normal parameters, not nearly warm enough to raise any alarm. Noa knows it's for his comfort; he appreciates the gesture. When he leans his head against the wall, he can feel it thrumming beneath him, a comforting rhythm that seems to rise and fall in time with his breathing. He knows that it's vibrations from the Grandcypher's engine, but it feels as if he's listening to the steady beat of its heart.</p><p>Suspicious or not, at least it'll be a few hours before anyone misses him or wonders where he is. For now, with his eyes closed and the Grandcypher's protective will surrounding him, he can rest.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"Do primal beasts get sick?" Lyria repeats quizzically.</p><p>Rackam nods in answer. Tilting her head to the side with a considering hum, Lyria replies, "Um… I don't think so? At least, I've never seen anything like that. But I'll have to ask! I'm not sure." She looks up at Rackam, eyes wide and concerned. "Do you need to know now? Is something wrong?"</p><p>Unbidden, the image of Noa's slight form slips into Rackam's mind. The words are on the tip of his tongue: <em>Yeah, it's Noa. Something's not right. I'm worried about him.</em> But when he meets Lyria's earnest gaze, he doesn't have the heart to say them. Scratching his cheek with a sheepish laugh, he reaches over to ruffle her hair. "Nah, it's fine. Thanks, Lyria. I was just curious."</p><p>Lyria brightens at that, accepting it so easily that Rackam almost feels bad. "Okay! If you're sure. Oh, maybe you could ask Rosetta? I'm sure she'd know. Or I could ask her for you, if you want me to?"</p><p>"It's fine." He shouldn't bother Lyria with this. The more he thinks about it, the more it seems as though he's being paranoid and nosy. Noa's lived for so long; surely he knows how to take care of himself. They're close, of course, but there are boundaries. Lines that Rackam shouldn't cross, that he has no right to push, when they've never defined themselves as more than… whatever they are. Closer than friends, but not as close as…</p><p>That's hardly related to the matter of hand. Rackam forcefully redirects his thoughts: the point is that he isn't Noa's keeper, and he has nothing to go on except a weird feeling.</p><p>This isn't something he should be pushing too far.</p><p>"Don't worry about it," he says, smiling at Lyria. "Everything's fine."</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"I haven't been avoiding Rackam."</p><p>It's a little absurd that Noa has to defend himself against a ship, but the Grandcypher is making its disapproval more and more obvious these days. Smiling ruefully, Noa lays his hand on the wall beside him. "I've just…" He pauses, then starts over with, "Our paths just haven't crossed."</p><p>For all that the Grandcypher doesn't communicate in words, it's remarkable how clearly its disdain comes across. Noa sighs. He knows it means well, and it usually doesn't bother him, but he's so <em>tired</em>. Their intended trip to Golonzo has, as usual, been interrupted by a detour — one that sends them right through the Grim Basin, at that. The journey itself is difficult, and it'll put them even farther away from Golonzo by the time they're finished with the task. The sails haven't been fixed. That one engine part that they slapped together mid-air is starting to wear out as well, leaving Noa with the odd sense of palpitations in his chest whenever it acts up. Somehow, the extent of the damage hadn't sunk in until he'd helped Rackam inventory the necessary repairs, even though (or perhaps because) he's constantly aware of it now.</p><p>And on top of that, the dream of that day hasn't stopped bothering him. Noa doesn't regret the pact, not at all — and he'll reassure the Grandcypher of that every time it comes up, without fail — but the memory of that pain keeps catching him unawares. He presses a hand to his chest again, biting his lip.</p><p>The Grandcypher's urging is gentle, but persistent. Noa doesn't want to listen, not really, but the truth is he can't come up with a good reason. "…Alright," he says with a soft sigh, relenting. "I'll look for Rackam."</p><p>The instant elation he feels in response is almost amusing. Smiling despite himself, Noa pats the wall lightly, taking up his staff again. He's starting to master the art of walking steadily even while plagued by a dizzying lack of balance, which he isn't sure is a good thing, but it's a skill that serves him well.</p><p>Rackam is in the cockpit, as expected, with Eugen on standby. Navigating through the Grim Basin has become easier over the years as they collect more pieces of the Sky Map, but it still takes focus and care. They both glance up as he enters, and he offers them a smile in greeting. "Hi, Noa. How's the Grandcypher doing? Everything alright?" Rackam's question is absent, his attention wholly concentrated on steering. Noa considers teasing him with something made up, but ultimately decides not to be too much of a distraction.</p><p>"The Grandcypher is fine." He settles off to the side, leaning against the wall — one of the easiest little tricks to ground his dizziness that doesn't seem suspicious. "Don't mind me." It's not the first time he's come by to watch Rackam pilot the ship. There's nothing odd about his presence there, and neither Rackam nor Eugen pay him further mind as they return their focus to the ship.</p><p>There's a moment of companionable silence, but Noa doesn't have a chance to get used to the peace before the ship lurches. Noa's head snaps up, both the Grandcypher's unease and his own curling in the pit of his stomach. By the rudder, Rackam frowns, squinting at the sensors. "That doesn't look good. That surge of heat signs — "</p><p>The sudden crash is clearly audible even here in the cockpit, but even before it sounds, Noa feels a jolt of pain so sharp it takes his breath away. "Whoa! That's — we're being swarmed! Where'd they even come from?! The sensors should have picked them up!" Rackam yanks down the trigger for the alarm system, and Noa flinches even though he was expecting the noise. It's a sudden cacophony: the alarm, Eugen's brisk report to Gran over the tube, Rackam swearing as he tries to steer away from the monster swarm — and before Noa has the space to draw a breath, the assaulting pain overwhelms his senses.</p><p>
  <span>He barely manages to bite back his cry, hand coming up to press against his chest. He doesn't realise he's loosened his grip on his staff until he hears it hit the ground, and across the room Rackam whirls around at the sound. "Noa! Noa, what's wrong?!" Rackam's voice is frantic. Although Noa knows he's close by, he sounds so distant… "Eugen, take over!" He hears muffled footsteps, but doesn't register any of it through the pain until he feels sudden warmth surrounding him. A soft gasp of relief slipping out at the reprieve from the cold, he slumps against Rackam, struggling to catch his breath.</span>
</p><p>He can feel it — every hit the ship takes, every strike and blast of magic that ruins a wall or breaks a floorboard, everything sends bolts of pain running through his body. There's a painfully familiar pressure in his chest, and although he slams his hand over his mouth, he knows he's too late. The blood spills out and over in a fit of harsh coughs, dripping between his fingers. Through his blurry vision, he sees Rackam's face freeze in horror.</p><p>"Noa, is that — oh, <em>gods</em>…" Rackam sounds terrified. Noa has never heard him so scared before, and a stab of guilt twists in his gut. He opens his mouth, but the intended reassurances don't make it out, swallowed up by another spate of coughing that brings up more blood.</p><p>
  <em>It's just like that day.</em>
</p><p>The sudden fear snatches him by surprise, all the more overwhelming in the haze of pain. It stops his breath up in his throat, the images flooding in — the memory of how much it hurt… every fibre of Noa's being aches, his mind racing with the same thought, repeating itself over and over: <em>Not again</em>. <em>Not like this — not where he can see me —<br/>
</em></p><p>Staying conscious is a struggle, like trying to keep his head above water when the room is filling up with it. His senses are fading, the exhaustion dragging him down further towards unconsciousness, and it's both a relief and a terror. Escape from the pain, or — will he just be dragged back to that day, all over again?</p><p>"Noa? Noa! Answer me!"</p><p>He wants to, but in the end, he doesn't manage.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"How is he?"</p><p>Rackam glances up at the sound of Gran's voice. He's wiping blood off his face when he asks the question, and Rackam feels his heart twists with irrational fear before he forcibly calms it down. It's obviously not his blood — most likely from a monster that happened to bleed red. But after Noa…</p><p>With a shudder, Rackam turns his mind away from the image. "Everything calm out there?" he asks, in lieu of answering the question.</p><p>"Monsters are dealt with. Don't worry about it." Gran frowns, putting the cloth down. "Is Noa alright? Has he woken up?"</p><p><span>Well, Rackam has to answer him now. He tries for a smile, although he doesn't think that he manages to pull it off</span>. "He hasn't woken up, but he's stable, I guess. Healers still don't know what's wrong, but he's not getting any worse." He means the words to be reassuring, but they come out sounding more like forced optimism.</p><p>Gran doesn't reply. He stares past Rackam, as if unable to tear his eyes away from Noa's unmoving form on the bed. Rackam has cleaned away the blood as best as he can, of course, but there are still traces on his clothes. He'd thought of changing Noa into a fresh set, but it seemed… inappropriate.</p><p>"How's the Grandcypher?" Rackam asks after a moment, if only to distract himself. Gran grimaces.</p><p>"Some of the monsters got into the engine room. We're still piecing together what happened, but we're pretty sure now that there were some dormant monster stowaways in the cargo — "</p><p>"<em>What</em>?"</p><p>"Yeah… don't worry, I'll look into it." Gran's voice is grim, and not for the first time, Rackam's reminded why he's their captain. "Anyway. Dormant monsters. They attracted a swarm of others, and then the approaching monsters' auras must have woken them up, and, well…" Gran sighs. "Eugen says he can take care of the damage, and the others are helping. So you can focus on Noa."</p><p>
  <span>Rackam feels a little guilty. The ship has always been his responsibility, and it does bother him that he's not there straightening things out with the others. But at the same time, the mere thought of leaving Noa alone when they don't even know what's wrong… that bothers him even more. In the end, he settles for saying, simply, "Thanks."</span>
</p><p>Gran nods. All the while, he's been staring at Noa, as if doing so will give him the answers they still don't have. "Do you think what happened to Noa…?"</p><p>Rackam's eyes slide back over to Noa's pale, motionless form. "I don't know," he finally says. "It's not the first time the ship's been through a rough patch. Why now? Why this time? I feel like there's something we're missing."</p><p>And they won't even be able to find out until he wakes up. All they can do now is wait.</p><p>Gran pats him on the shoulder sympathetically. "I'm going to check in with the others about the repairs. Let us know if anything changes."</p><p>After the door closes behind him, the air in the room feels even heavier than ever. Rackam sighs aloud, if only to break the silence, slumping into his chair.</p><p>Between the assault on the Grandcypher and dealing with… whatever’s wrong with Noa, the day has been exhausting in the worst way. Now that he has a reprieve, Rackam's eyes are drooping, sleep nudging at his senses, but he ignores his mind's niggling reminders to find a bed. The chair will do — there isn't room enough on the bed with Noa for Rackam to sleep there without bothering him, and he refuses to go elsewhere.</p><p>Rackam has no idea what's wrong, but he's not leaving until Noa wakes up.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>When Rackam's awareness starts to filter back in, it's slow and encumbered, like water struggling to flow through a blocked sieve. He hears shouts and cries in the distance that sound familiar but that he can't quite place. It takes longer for his other senses to return; when his vision finally clears up enough for him to make out the scene, he immediately knows where he is. He's on the Grandcypher…</p><p>Wait, is he? Rackam blinks rapidly, eyes darting around the room. He's standing in the Grandcypher's engine room, yes, but he gets the feeling that he isn't physically <em>there</em>. It's hard to explain, but the moment he notices that, the answer slides into its mind as if it was waiting for the question to be asked. He's dreaming… or more accurately, perhaps, someone else is dreaming, and he's watching the dream.</p><p>
  <span>Behind him, the door slams against the wall, and Rackam spins around in instant reaction. His jaw almost drops when he sees the two people in the doorway: Noa, and — himself.</span>
</p><p>It's surreal, watching a version of himself rush about the room while he stands and watches from the side. A sort of out-of-body experience. His dream self dashes around, turning up the fans in between loud curses, and it's only then that Rackam registers how hot the room is. It feels like it's on the verge of ignition, and the alarming groan and hiss of smoke from one of the engines clearly has his other self thinking the same.</p><p>"They're overheating! Any worse and they're going to shut down! Noa — " Dream-Rackam shouts, but he hasn't finished his sentence before Noa answers him.</p><p>"Leave it to me." Noa raises his staff, a bright glow surrounding him. Rackam feels the stifling heat around him drop just a fraction, but from the deep furrow in Noa's brow, it's not enough. "My magic wasn't made for this. We need — "</p><p>"<em>Rackam</em>!" An urgent voice shouts down the hallway; Rosetta's. "Eugen needs you above deck!"</p><p>Dream-Rackam swears, a long and colourful sequence that, oddly enough, is the last puzzle piece that Rackam needs to complete the picture. He knows what he's seeing now: the journey to Canaan where they'd had to push the Grandcypher to its limits, pulling out every stop to make it to their destination. Noa turns to him, and the determination is as firm in his eyes as Rackam remembers when he says, "Go. I'll take care of things here."</p><p>Rackam, of course, knows his own answer before he says it. "Thanks, Noa! I'm trusting you with the old girl!" He watches as his dream self sprints out of the room, the door swinging shut behind him. Now alone with Noa in the engine room, Rackam turns back to him, brow furrowing.</p><p>Is this Noa's memory? It doesn't feel like it, or surely he'd be seeing things from Noa's point of view. And why would he be seeing Noa's memory, anyway? Rackam shakes his head, more questions swarming his mind as he watches Noa work. There's something mesmerising about that — his movements are swift but unhurried, and it's clear from the way he moves that he understands the Grandcypher intimately in a way that even Rackam doesn't. He murmurs to it occasionally, words that Rackam can't catch over the roaring of the engines, but he knows that Noa is speaking to the Grandcypher.</p><p>And yet, despite Noa's magic and his deft adjustments and tuning, Rackam can tell it's not quite enough. The engines are barely holding up; they're spewing smoke, their output so dangerously high that Rackam's surprised they haven't already shut down. Noa hasn't stopped moving, but Rackam is sure that he sees something close to despair in his eyes — an emotion he's never even seen a hint of on Noa's face before, that makes his heart twist in an inexplicable way.</p><p>Then, in the next moment, Noa's expression shifts. Rackam recognises that look. It's a spark of inspiration. Noa doesn't waste a second; Rackam watches as he traces a circle on the ground with his staff, eyes falling shut. Threads of light spark along the faint outline, rising to surround Noa as an unseen wind swirls around him. Noa is chanting, unfamiliar words that Rackam somehow knows is the language of Astrals, although he's never heard it before. In the same way, he's never witnessed a ritual like this before, but he knows what Noa is doing, as if the information is being fed into his mind.</p><p>Noa is forming a pact with the Grandcypher. The kind of pact that primal beasts form with islands. The kind of pact that Tiamat has with Port Breeze, that Luminiera shares with Vira — and Noa is making one with the Grandcypher, here and now, as it threatens to break apart in the wild currents of the tempest.</p><p>The room is shaking around them, the engines roaring at max capacity. A loud crash to his left makes Rackam flinch, and its source is immediately obvious once he looks over — one of the engines has given out, and the one-sided loss of power has the Grandcypher tilting beneath his feet. Despite that, Noa doesn't move an inch, the wind whipping around him picking up in speed. His voice rises above the racket as light flares beneath his feet.</p><p>For a split second, there seems to be complete silence in the room. Rackam is holding his breath, eyes transfixed on Noa. The expressions flashing across Noa's face tell a complete and painful story: first, joy and elation that the bond has succeeded; wonder, as the Grandcypher's will stirs in his mind… and then pain, sharp and twisting, when the extent of its damage reflects itself onto his body. Noa leans heavily on his staff, panting, and Rackam can see him biting on the inside of his cheek to stop himself from screaming.</p><p>
  <span>The engines buzz to life around him, and Rackam can tell that even the one that gave out is struggling to start up again. The tilt is even worse now. He remembers how it felt back when he was navigating as well — struggling to compensate for it while he prayed that Noa would come through.</span>
</p><p>And Noa had, but…</p><p>"Use me." Rackam has never heard Noa's voice sound like that before — strained, trembling from pain, but so forceful that the words are almost a physical presence. The Grandcypher's engines groan, and although Rackam doesn't hear it the way Noa does, even he can understand that for what it is: a protest. Noa's face falters briefly, but then it hardens again. He lets go of his staff, and it clatters to the ground as Noa falls to his knees, slamming his hands down.</p><p>"<em>Use me!</em>"</p><p>
  <em>What price did he have to pay?</em>
</p><p>Rackam feels like he's been stabbed in the chest. Noa's voice is so sharp it cracks through the air like a whip, brimming over with desperation that Rackam has never imagined he would hear from him. In the wake of the command, the entire room seems to fall silent for a split second — almost as if the Grandcypher is as shocked as he is.</p><p>Then Noa <em>screams</em>.</p><p>It's heartrending, and the fact that it's accompanied by the sound of the Grandcypher's engines whirring into action — usually such an uplifting sound — somehow only makes it worse. Rackam feels the Grandcypher's anguish as Noa urges it to draw on his power to support itself, even as his trembling arms give out and he collapses onto the floor. Painful coughs wrack his body, the harsh noise barely audible above the clanks and hisses of the engines at work, yet somehow piercing at the same time. Rackam has to turn away at the sight of blood splattering across the floor, vision suddenly going blurry.</p><p>He'd seen that discolouration on the ground and thought it was an engine oil leak or something. He'd never imagined it was from…</p><p>Noa sobs, the sound so helpless and pained that Rackam feels like his heart is being ripped out from his chest. He desperately wants to rush over, to pull Noa into his arms and hold him until the pain passes, to keep him safe and take all that pain onto himself so he doesn't suffer it. But none of that is possible. He's watching a vision of the past, one where he's already missed the chance for comfort. Even knowing the situation and remembering that he was struggling to make sure the Grandcypher didn't fall out of the skies at this very moment doesn't help.</p><p>Noa still had to suffer this alone, and no matter how many good reasons Rackam had, none of them will change that.</p><p>There's more blood now. It drips from Noa's lips with every breath he heaves. Rackam doesn't want to watch, but now he forces himself not to look away. Noa's face is streaked with tears and blood, several strands of his hair sticking to his cheek in the tacky mess. He's more bedraggled than Rackam has ever seen him. His eyes have slipped shut, and Rackam wonders for a moment if he passed out until he stirs again, inhaling a deep, rattling breath as he struggles to his knees and elbows.</p><p>"…Thank you."</p><p>Noa's voice is so hoarse and weak that Rackam isn't sure if he misheard. But he feels the room shudder around him, and then it sinks in. Noa is thanking the Grandcypher for taking what it needed from him to stay airborne, even through the pain he — <em>they're</em> suffering.</p><p>Whatever the Grandcypher says in answer, Rackam doesn't know, but Noa's reply sheds some light on that. "No, I-I… if they know…" He coughs again, the sound weak and breathless in comparison to the sharp, painful fit before, but it still brings up more blood. Noa wipes it away carelessly. His whole hand is red with blood by now, and the morbidity of it makes Rackam unable to look away. "I can't… make them worry. Not now… they have so many im… portant…"</p><p>Noa's voice is fading off, and Rackam can tell it's because he's running out of breath and energy. He gives up on the sentence after that. Rackam wants to scream at him to look at himself — how hurt he is, how much pain he's in — before he goes taking care of everyone else's feelings. But again, he's helpless to change this. It's been months since Canaan, and Noa has successfully hidden this from them for all that time.</p><p>
  <span>Rackam watches as Noa tries to stand, but his legs buckle beneath him. Instead, he pulls himself over to the wall, using his staff as support. Once he's there, he lets go of it, slumping against the wall and letting his staff clang to the ground. His eyes have fallen shut, and Rackam can see the rapid rise and fall of his chest, as if the exertion of moving across the room had taken unimaginable effort.</span>
</p><p>Rackam wouldn't doubt that it had.</p><p>He keeps his eyes fixed on Noa. There are bloody stains on his collar and smears on his staff where his hands touched it, and although Rackam knows he can't wipe them away — he's in a dream, he's not even here — he still walks over.</p><p>He's reaching for the staff when he sees Noa shift. Raising his head, his gaze connects with wide, startled blue eyes.</p><p>Rackam freezes. The answers suddenly flood into his mind, fitting neatly into place like rounds in a gun's chamber. That <em>is</em> Noa. Not a dreamed-up figment of him or a reflection, but Noa as Rackam knows him, in spirit if not in flesh.</p><p>This is Noa's dream, and the Grandcypher has let him in, its will permeating the space around them.</p><p>"Rackam?" Noa's voice is thin and shaky, but it's enough to snap Rackam out of his trance. He reaches out, but Noa recoils before they can touch. "It can't be." The panic is thick in Noa's voice. "You can't — you shouldn't be — "</p><p>"Noa!" Rackam shouts, but his voice is already dissolving. The scene is melting away around him, as is if the dream can't withstand the revelation of its truth. A last thought slips into Rackam's mind the second before his vision goes dark and the sensation of freefalling steals over his awareness.</p><p><em>Noa's waking up</em>.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Noa's eyes fly open, panic tearing at his chest. It's the same nightmare but it somehow feels worse each time, and he doesn't understand how the memory of that pain never fades but instead seems to get sharper. And this time —</p><p>"Noa!"</p><p>
  <span>Noa has repeated the nightmare of the pact over and over, but this time, Rackam saw it.</span>
</p><p>Noa's head is swimming, and the ache in his chest is familiar in a way that scares him a little. His vision is too blurry for him to make out more than distant shapes, but he feels warmth surrounding him, making him shudder at the comfort. "Does it hurt? Noa? Answer me."</p><p>It's a struggle to come up with words. Finally, Noa just shakes his head in reply, letting his eyes close again. The nightmare still hovers at the edge of his consciousness, but some of the fog is fading — he's starting to recognise that the dull ache in his chest isn't just lingering sensation from the nightmare, but an echo of the damage to the Grandcypher. Part of the engine must be broken.</p><p>On a normal day, he would have reached out immediately to assess the damage, but right now Noa's first instinct is to feel a little angry at the Grandcypher. He can't believe that it pulled Rackam into that dream — exposed him in that way. Noa hates that he had to see that. The first moments of the pact were the very lowest points of it, so much so that the memory of that pain still plagues him. He kept it to himself for a reason.</p><p>But at the same time… Rackam would have had to know, either way. With that earlier debacle, Noa's facade has fallen apart. In a way, Noa's also relieved that the secret is finally out.</p><p>"Noa?" Rackam's voice is more tentative than Noa has ever heard him be, although his arms are tight around him. Noa draws a deep breath, daring to lift his head. He almost loses his nerve again when he meets Rackam's fearful eyes, guilt tearing at his gut. This isn't how Noa wanted him to find out. Noa never <em>had</em> wanted him to find out.</p><p>"I'm sorry, Rackam." His voice is so raspy that he cringes. Swallowing, he takes a deep breath before he speaks again. "I… the Grandcypher, that time…"</p><p>He has no idea what to say. The realisation comes a little late, leaving his sentence to trail off into nothing. He ducks his head again, and it's then that he realises he's lying in bed, but Rackam is leaning over awkwardly from the edge to hold him. His first instinct is to pull away, embarrassment rising in the colour in his cheeks, but Rackam is so <em>warm</em>.</p><p>"Don't apologise, Noa." Rackam's voice is low, unreadable. "Anything but that." He shifts, dragging the chair closer, then gives up altogether and climbs onto the bed to lie down next to Noa, holding on to him all the while as if he can't bear to let go. Noa can't bring himself to protest — selfishly, he wants nothing more than to cling to Rackam's comfort, despite the remorse pervading his mind. "Noa, that dream…" Rackam shifts uncomfortably, clearing his throat. "I, uh… you want to talk about it?"</p><p>Noa tries not to flinch at the words. It's not as if Rackam said them harshly; his tone is low and hesitant, and it's obvious that he's trying not to push. But there's a tight, controlled coil of tension to the question, a clear sign that he's holding his emotions back, and Noa can't blame him for it.</p><p>"I…" Noa falters, struggling for words. He never had intended to tell anyone. Perhaps about the pact one day, if it became necessary, but never about the actual process and side effects, which he knows is what Rackam is referring to. They're nothing he can't handle on his own. To tell them will just be to worry them over something they couldn't control…</p><p>The soft creak above him is admonishment at its finest, and this time Noa does flinch. Judged by a ship; that's a new one. The Grandcypher's unimpressed reprimand is a low hum in the back of his mind, and he can hear exactly what it's urging him to do: <em>speak</em>.</p><p>Noa doesn't understand why, even with how close he is to the Grandcypher now. He doesn't know what telling the truth would achieve aside from hurting Rackam more. But the buzz of the Grandcypher's will is more and more insistent, and if only to appease it, he finally opens his mouth. "I suppose it's… obvious. What I did."</p><p>"You formed a pact with the Grandcypher." Rackam's voice is cautious. Noa nods, then belatedly realises Rackam may not be able to see him well while holding him.</p><p>"I did," he says, and although the words themselves are so neutral, he can't help the tension that tightens his shoulders. Rackam smooths a hand over his back, as if in an attempt to relax him; trying to focus on the comfort of the touch, Noa starts speaking again. "It was…" <em>Agonising. Painful. Harrowing.</em> "...difficult."</p><p>Rackam's hand stills on his back. Before Noa can distract himself with all the possible things that could mean, he forces himself to continue. "It had a few… side effects, I suppose, is the best term. I intended the pact purely as a channel of power — something that would allow me to supply the Grandcypher with magic and offer it my protection. But the bond runs deeper than I expected in practice. My theory is that it's because the Grandcypher itself was originally created with the blessing of my power."</p><p>He can't suppress the shudder at the memory of when that implication first struck him — the moment right after the pact took, when the pain had flooded over him. He hadn't been prepared for it, much less for how much worse it would be after he convinced the Grandcypher to draw on his power. It's an experience he would never like to repeat in his life, which of course means his mind feels the need to relive the nightmare over and over again.</p><p>"Noa?" Rackam's arms tighten around him, and Noa can't resist pressing in. Like this, with Rackam holding him, he can almost forget how much it hurts. "What are the side effects?"</p><p>Noa stiffens. It might have been a little too much to hope that Rackam would have been distracted enough by his theories that he wouldn't ask about the side effects in detail, and he has no choice but to be honest now. "Whenever the Grandcypher suffers any damage, it manifests in my body. It's not much, usually. Broken walls or floorboards might feel like a muscle ache and the sails affect my balance…" No, wait, if he goes on down that path he'll have to admit to his balance problems. Abandoning that train of thought, Noa concludes with, "It's not an issue. I have it under control."</p><p>"Then what's with the blood?" The tremble in Rackam's voice is almost imperceptible, but Noa feels it in the way his heartbeat speeds up. He hesitates, weighing how best to answer that, but Rackam goes on speaking before he's decided on a reply. "Engine issues?"</p><p>Between the dream and the incident that had triggered all this in the first place, Noa isn't surprised that Rackam has figured it out. "Yes. Damage to the Grandcypher's engines translates over to my core."</p><p>Rackam is silent after that, and only the deliberate rhythm of his breathing gives anything away. Noa almost wants to look up to see what the expression on Rackam's face is, but he doesn't quite dare to. It's a long moment before Rackam lets out a long sigh, pulling Noa closer. "<em>Gods</em>. So then, earlier… that was because the monsters got to the engine?"</p><p>Was that what had happened? Noa makes a mental note to check over the damage later; even though he knows the exact extent of how deep it runs, it always helps to see it with his own eyes. Once he's allowed out of bed, that is. The way Rackam's holding him, Noa's not sure when he'll let go, which is… rather nice, for some reason. "I can tell that we lost part of the engine, yes. And also that it's being repaired as we speak." Over the course of their conversation alone, the pain in his chest has eased considerably. The crew must be hard at work fixing it.</p><p>"Oh." Noa waits, but that's all Rackam says in reply. Noa has no idea how to interpret it.</p><p>Slowly, although he's a little reluctant to leave, he starts pulling away from Rackam. He feels Rackam's hands tighten for a brief second on his shoulders before they loosen again almost immediately, and it only confuses him further. It takes him a little focus to sit up without swaying — the broken sails always <em>do</em> come back to haunt him at the most inopportune of times — and by the time he's settled himself back against the head of the bed, he notices that Rackam has sat up as well.</p><p>But even so, now that he's gotten a proper look at Rackam's face, Noa still can't figure out how he's taking it. He studies Rackam's expression for a moment, but no answers reveal themselves. He's so used to seeing Rackam's emotions at a glance that this uncharacteristic, unreadable reticence is a little unsettling. "Rackam?" he ventures after a moment, voice hesitant. There's a deepening furrow in Rackam's brow; by now, Noa's heart is beating erratically in his chest, and it has nothing to do with the damage to the engines. He's bracing himself for it, has been all this while, but the expected outburst still hasn't happened. "Are you okay?"</p><p>He gets a reaction for that — Rackam lets out a laugh that borders on hysterical, face twisting up into a pained expression before he smooths it out. "Am <em>I</em> okay? What about you, Noa? Are you… earlier, you were…"</p><p>Rackam doesn't finish the sentence, but he doesn't need to. Noa bites his lip, letting his eyes wander, not quite daring to meet Rackam's gaze again. He notices that Rackam's hands are clenched so tightly in the sheets that his knuckles are turning white. "I'm fine," he says after a long moment. "It's not bad, Rackam. I'm used to it now."</p><p>"Used to it." Rackam repeats the words in a tone that sounds almost… doubtful? Noa has no idea what to think of that. "I guess… it really has been months." Rackam's voice isn't accusatory the way Noa expected it to be, but the words still drive home what he must think. "It's gotta be too late to talk about undoing it by now."</p><p>"No, it can't be undone." The Grandcypher is stirring at the back of his mind; it's been quiet throughout the conversation, almost as if it's trying to give them space (which is an amusing expression when they're in a room on the ship itself), but Noa reaches out now to reassure it. <em>I don't regret this. I never will. </em>"This isn't something that could ever have been changed. Once a pact is sealed, there's no going back."</p><p>"I thought so." There's a despondent edge to Rackam's tone, which only confuses Noa even more than ever. How is it that the longer this goes on, the less of an idea he has of how Rackam feels about it?</p><p>"I don't regret it, Rackam." He says the words out loud as much for the Grandcypher as for Rackam. "The Grandcypher is important to me — to us. And — "</p><p>"Noa." Rackam cuts him off abruptly. "This isn't about regretting it. It's… you carried that alone. I didn't know… did anyone know?"</p><p>"No. It isn't what you think," he adds in a hurry, before Rackam can answer. "I didn't want anyone to know. I — "</p><p>" — didn't want to worry anyone, so you didn't tell any of us. Right?"</p><p>
  <span>Rackam's tone is weary — miserable, tired, disappointed. Noa ducks his head, staring at his own hands, which have been meticulously cleaned of any traces of blood while he was unconscious.</span>
</p><p>"I'm sorry. I know you must be angry."</p><p>"Yeah, I am. I'm furious, Noa." He'd expected as much — why wouldn't Rackam be angry? — but before he can feel any hurt from the words, Rackam speaks again. "At myself."</p><p>"What?" Noa struggles to connect the words for a moment, brow furrowing as he stares at Rackam. There isn't a shred of energy in his frame; his shoulders are slumped, eyes downcast, and he won't lift his head to meet Noa's eyes. "Why? It isn't your fault. I didn't want you to know — "</p><p>"Yeah, I know that. But…" Rackam sighs, raking a hand through his hair. "I didn't <em>notice</em>. No, that's not right, I did. But only when it was so late it didn't matter. That time, right after Canaan… I had no idea. I didn't do anything. If I had, maybe…"</p><p>
  <span>"It isn't your fault, Rackam," Noa interrupts, alarmed. He'd expected that the crew wouldn't be happy with his choice if they ever found out about it; he'd been prepared to suffer their wrath. But Rackam, blaming himself? This is the last thing he wants (although, in hindsight, perhaps he should have expected it). Seeing Rackam about to protest, he hurriedly adds, "It was a choice that I made for the Grandcypher's sake, and for all of you."</span>
</p><p>"And you suffered for it, alone."</p><p>When Rackam puts it that way… Noa smiles ruefully, fingers clenching in the blankets. "It's not <em>suffering</em>, Rackam," he says gently. "I'm sorry if you feel betrayed, or that I broke your trust. Since I made this choice…"</p><p>"No, that's not it! Noa, this is about <em>you</em>!" Rackam freezes after the outburst, looking as taken aback as Noa does for a moment, but then he steels his expression and forges on. "Noa — this isn't about me or how I feel. I don't even see why I would ever think that… but no, never mind, that's not the point." He sighs, then inhales a deep breath. "Like I said, it's about <em>you</em>. It's not as if you owe it to us to tell us everything, especially something like that. I mean, I wish you hadn't hid it and I'm mad at you for that too, don't get me wrong, but only because I don't like thinking of you going through that alone. And that's the thing."</p><p>He pauses to draw a breath, and Noa knows it's his chance to jump in and say something, but he's at a complete loss for words. All he can do is stare, wide-eyed, as Rackam continues speaking, more subdued this time.</p><p>"I should have noticed. I should have seen the signs earlier. I should have <em>done something</em>. And I… I'm sorry."</p><p>"What?" The question slips out before Noa can stop himself, too shocked to hold back. "Why are you sorry? I'm the one who hid it — "</p><p>"And I'm the one who didn't notice." Rackam's stubborn tone is one he's well familiar with, but he's never heard it in this context before. "I'm sorry you had to carry that alone. You shouldn't have had to."</p><p>Once again, Noa finds himself tongue-tied. This has gone in a direction he'd never anticipated in all the times he'd played this scenario out in his mind, which inevitably ended in him apologising and never the other way around. Rackam isn't done yet, either — the words come flooding out with almost desperate urgency, as if he's been waiting an eternity to say them. "I can't lose you. I <em>can't</em>. I don't care if it's for the greater good of the ship or the crew or the world, I'm not…" Rackam inhales deeply, and by now, his cheeks are flaming red. His gaze keeps darting over to meet Noa's then flitting away just as quickly, as if he wants to look him in the eye but doesn't dare to. "I'm not giving you up. Not for anything."</p><p>Noa's heart is racing, for reasons that are no longer related to his fear of how Rackam would take the revelation. His mouth is dry, breath stuck in his throat as he watches Rackam fumble, gulping visibly before he finally speaks again, the words slow and clear.</p><p>"Noa, I love you."</p><p>Noa's world stops.</p><p>It's not as if he's never heard the word <em>love</em> from another being, or said it to them. But this… this is different in a way that he's not sure he can explain. All Noa knows is that, somehow, hearing the words from Rackam fill him with an indescribable joy and wonder he's never felt before. "Rackam…" Noa wants to say more — so much more — but the words are so hard to grasp, lost somewhere in the sweet, swirling warmth of the thoughts that repeat themselves over and over: <em>he said he loves me, he can't lose me, he won't give up on me</em>.</p><p>Rackam finally chances a head-on glance at him, and Noa has no idea what his face looks like right now, but Rackam grimaces. "I… oh, gods. I didn't mean to say that. I…" Rackam groans, dragging a hand down his face, and Noa's lips curve upwards into a helpless smile at how red his cheeks are. "Look, I'm not… I mean, uh…" Rackam is fumbling so hard for the right words that Noa's even more hopelessly endeared than ever. "You don't have to answer me or anything. I'm not saying this to — pressure you into a relationship, or whatever — "</p><p>"What if I want one?" The words slip out before Noa can stop them. His heart is swelling with affection in his chest, and the stunned look that Rackam turns on him just makes him smile.</p><p>"You want what?" Rackam's voice is disbelieving.</p><p>"A relationship. With you." Noa pauses, considering. "Well, we already have one. I suppose I mean… a deeper one. A romantic one."</p><p>Rackam is frozen, so still that he could have been a statue if he hadn't blinked. Smiling, Noa reaches out to take his hand, lacing their fingers together. "I never thought of a name for what I felt for you, before. All I knew was that it was special. Something I felt only for you." Rackam's face is so red that Noa wouldn't be surprised if smoke came out of his ears. "And now that you've said it…" He squeezes Rackam's hand. "I do think it would be called <em>love</em>."</p><p>He inhales, and despite the echoes of pain still rattling in his chest, the warm glow of happiness seems to blot it out for a moment. "Which is to say… I love you too." The words come out a little shyer than he intends. They feel foreign on his tongue; platitudes he's never said (never <em>felt</em>) before, and his cheeks feel so warm he's sure they must be as flushed as Rackam's.</p><p>"Really?" Rackam's voice is incredulous, but cautiously hopeful. "You… you mean that?"</p><p>"When have I ever lied to you, Rackam?" Noa teases, but he can't stop the fondness from stealing in. "I love you. I really do."</p><p>He manages to sound more confident this time — saying it again makes it sound so much more real, and this time he thinks Rackam is starting to believe it. Rackam glances down at their clasped hands before he raises his head to meet Noa's eyes again, a giddy laugh slipping out. "I… I never thought you would want this too. That you felt the same. This is… I feel like…" His words are choppy and disjointed, but the beaming smile that suffuses his face is sweet proof. Noa leans into the touch when Rackam cups his hand around his cheek, and when Rackam draws closer, Noa tilts his head up in invitation.</p><p>The kiss is the most gentle thing Noa has ever felt. It's overflowing with warmth, and Noa can feel his heart thudding in his chest, reaffirming how very real this is — that he's loved by Rackam in a way he's somehow never thought to ask for, but that he's wanted without even knowing. Even the Grandcypher itself seems to feel lighter than usual, all but singing in the back of his mind.</p><p>When they part, Rackam settles an arm around Noa's shoulders, and it feels natural to lean into his warmth. Rackam draws a deep breath, exhaling it slowly. "Okay. Okay, we can do this." Rackam presses their foreheads together, his eyes focused on Noa's. "Promise to talk to me, Noa. Whenever you're not feeling well. There's gotta be ways we can adjust the Grandcypher so you'll both feel better, right? We can work on it together. And more importantly, I need to know if you're not feeling well, so that…" He trails off, clearing his throat, and his eyes dart away off to the side. "So that I can take care of you."</p><p>His touches are so easy and natural, but saying the words has Rackam so flustered. Noa thinks he might be staring, but he can't tear his eyes away. It's frighteningly endearing; his heart is squeezing in his chest, and it has nothing to do with the pain. Noa can't remember the last time he's ever felt this way, and he's sure it's because he never has.</p><p>It's not just the Grandcypher that's carved out a special place in his heart, after all. It's the Grandcypher's crew as well.</p><p>And especially its helmsman.</p><p>"I promise, Rackam." He says it softly, but he's sure that Rackam hears him. Sure enough, a smile spreads over Rackam's face, and Noa's heart leaps in his chest when Rackam leans in for a quick kiss.</p><p>"Good." Rackam's voice is gruff, but relieved. "If we were on Golonzo, I'd make you promise it on Mithra's power, but this will do."</p><p>"I can do that, when we get to Golonzo." Noa's sure that he would do just about anything that Rackam asked, right now — except pull away from him.</p><p>"Seriously?" Is Rackam blushing harder? It's… Noa never thought he would ever have used the word <em>cute </em>for him, but there's a first for everything, it seems. "Okay, no. We don't actually need to do that. I respect Mithra, I really do, I appreciate that it's powering the Grandcypher, but… let's not risk any weird side effects." Rackam's brow furrows, which Noa feels more than he sees. "That reminds me. Is the Grandcypher, uh… okay with this?"</p><p>"What?" Noa isn't sure whether he's saying that to Rackam or the sudden and very absolute approval that floods his mind to the point where he can't think of anything else. It takes him a moment to come back from that, blinking rapidly. "Yes. It's… happy for us." <em>Very</em> happy. Noa's lips twitch in amusement, affection flooding through him. If he thinks about it, the Grandcypher is what made all of this possible, after all.</p><p>It's always looked out for him, from the moment they formed this bond.</p><p>"Oh, thank the gods. That's good. Guess that's all the in-laws I have to meet, right?" Rackam grins when Noa lets a giggle slip at that, but his face sobers up again after a moment. "Noa, we're going to do this right, now that we know. No more putting off the maintenance trips. No more driving the ship harder than it can go unless we're <em>really</em> about to die." Noa laughs; even though it'll hurt if that happens, the crew's tendency to get into trouble has always amused him. Rackam smiles back, thumb rubbing over his cheek as he continues. "We've been pushing the old girl too hard for too long anyway. Even if you hadn't done this whole… pact thing, we should be more careful. The Grandcypher's amazing, but it won't last if we go on pushing it that hard."</p><p>"That's true." Noa's voice is low and contemplative. "For its own sake, as well."</p><p>The Grandcypher is more special to him than any other ship he's built. It isn't even about the pact; it's been that way for years, now that Noa thinks about it.</p><p>It's been that way since the moment he met that boy with fire in his eyes, declaring that he would revive it and take it back into the skies.</p><p>The contented presence of the Grandcypher's will in the back of his mind is a comforting constant, one that he reaches out to touch at the same time as he leans in to take another kiss from Rackam. "Thank you, Rackam," he murmurs against his lips.</p><p>"Huh?" Rackam blinks at him. "What for?"</p><p>Rather than explaining in words, Noa just steals another kiss. Rackam doesn't seem to mind, though, from the grin he gets when they part. "I like that answer. Don't think I'd mind if we did that more."</p><p>Noa can't help but laugh at that. And at the edge of his consciousness, although he knows it shouldn't be possible, he feels like the Grandcypher does too.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you to <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/decay">decay</a>, <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/Modus_Mortis">Modus_Mortis</a> and <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/habenaria_radiata/pseuds/habenaria_radiata">habenaria_radiata</a> for betaing and cheerleading! All remaining mistakes are mine.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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